R. KELLY IS PUBLISHING 15 NEW CHAPTERS OF R&B SOAP OPERA 'TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET'.

So in honor of R. Kellz here is a rundown of the good tracks on the R&B chart at the moment:

Mariah Carey - Up Out My Face [Ft. Nicki Minaj]... it's kind of like Obsessed (Remix) how Gucci and the beat were the whole reason I am listening. Nicki has got whatever it is that makes a new rapper interesting. Who gives a fuck about Mariah Carey, not even The-Dream can make me want to listen to her album. Everybody was blaming Dream when it's really Mariah's fault Mariah can't sell an album. It's cause she's fucking boring. Eminem - The Warning made me real, real happy.

T-Pain - Reverse Cowgirl... I'm glad all the people jocking dude's style are out of business and nobody cares about T-Pain anymore, so I can begin my career as a cult follower of an another unfairly-cast-aside genius in the vein of my R. Kelly fandom. I would like to listen to this slow jam on some pills. Also the title and subject matter are an epic win.

Roscoe Dash - All The Way Turnt Up [Ft. Soulja Boy]... if you liked Turn My Swag On then this is up your alley.

Jay Sean - Do You Remember [Ft. Lil Jon, Sean Paul]... this has been popular for a minute but I still want to write about it and it's still on the charts anyway. Pure high fructose corn syrup sacharine. It's heavy on the sweet side, but the gruff grind of Lil Jon adds just the right contrast and I have a boner for Sean Paul ever since Youngbloodz.

Usher - Lots of shit cause he has an already-classic album that just dropped and like 5 of the songs are on the radio, most of them not even official singles... But in particular the Trey Songz - I Invented Sex (Remix) is the best goddam thing on the radio right now.

Lil Wayne - Drop The World [Ft. Eminem]... this would not be a good Lil Wayne song, but then... Eminem comes in... and it's glorious... and it's the entire reason any radio station would ever play this song. Em single-handledly propels this song to the charts with his mindblowing verse. He needs to hop on another GOOD non-Em song though, cause Forever left just about everybody drooling and even Jay-Z said he stole the song. And everybody was in tip-top, and Kanye put one of my favorite Yeezy verses since DJ Khaled - Go Hard [Ft. Kanye West] and Jeezy - Put On [Ft. Kanye West] way back before 808's. But Em still killed him somehow. Relapse 2 now please.

Gucci Mane - Lemonade... I thought State Vs. Radric Davis was pretty disappoinging, meaning mediocre. But this is a good, definitive of the times, southern-ass rap track. Too bad nothing else on the album approaches the glory of Wasted.

Yo Gotti - Women Lie, Men Lie... Good production work to get fucked up to. I could care less about Yo Gotti. After Juelz, Ricky Ross, and Jeezy, this dude sounds mad generic. Better than 5 Star Chick though IMO (again, all credit goes to the producer).

Lil Wayne - Steady Mobbin' [Ft. Gucci Mane]... People wanted this team-up so bad they are willing to play it on the radio despite it being the filthiest most amoral thing to hit the airwaves since Every Girl In The World. A hedonist's delight. Hard ass gangsta rap from two dudes who we have grown accustomed to being commercialized. Here they are in raw form again, sounding harder than N.W.A.

Plies - Medicine... I just like everything plies does. I think his impeccible choice of candy-coated southern rap beats taylored for radio play combined with Porn-rap lyrics so extreme they could draw comparisons to 2 Live Crew and bar-none the thickest southern accent on rap radio (even in the era of southern rap on rap radio) make him the most interesting rapper in the game at the moment. Even as he turns out hit after hit he remains basically underrated in rap discussions. As far as I'm concerned he now has a track record of 3 classic rap albums in the 2000's.

Okay, that's it, I digress. I promise the next post will not be about rap. Probably about movies. Peeeeeeeeeeace.